If I've Said it Once, ....

I've said it a MILLION times, "SELF-sensorship" is a wonderful thing.

It's crazy that in this medium of blogging where we are free, if not encouraged, to speak what is on our minds or in our hearts that we should sensor ourselves for fear of bothering other people or hurting their feelings. I am not a proponent of just trashing other people in a public forum, especially without provacation. There are times however, that the feelings you have inside bottled up become toxic. Those thoughts need to get out, so a sense of healing can begin, but beware of how you proceed.

When one feels the need to purge, the blogosphere, I found, is a useful tool. If you are way out of line, then your readership will tell you so, that is, if you are totally truthful in what you say and how you represent the other party. I know that not all people can be that fair. They don't want themselves to look bad AND they want sympathy. That's understandable and really, only human to want it that way.

I will put out a warning, since the blogosphere is such a public place and ANYONE can read what you write, perhaps one should exercise caution in using the offending party's REAL NAMES. That is dangerous and in some cases could be liable. So be careful out there and remember, when you click the "next blog" button you might just find a blog that was secretly written about you.

It's Time to Get Real

I have been sensoring myself for quite a long time as I am sure that most of you who read on a regular basis can tell. I have found a blog of which I have been the bane of this person's existance, it seems, since time began, or at least since this person met me. I must say that I am completely NOT jealous of this person, nor do I care what this person thinks.

I DO, however, wish that this person, when telling others of what supposedly occurs, would be so kind as to use entire conversational quotes instead of the ones that make this person look like a saint and me look like an ass. I admit readily that I don't always say the correct thing, but I will tell you the truth.

As mean as it may sound, I did not seek to have any type of a "relationship" with this person. Upon meeting this person for the first time, I thought that this is really not someone I would have sought out to be friends with, I just chose to be nice thinking that the acquaintence would never have to be something more than what it was. No offense meant to the person, although I'm sure that their pride will be wounded if they ever read this.

You know, what is interesting is that I have just as much disdain and loathing of this person as they do of me; and I am ok with that. I simply don't care and haven't for a VERY long time. Over the years, it seems that this person is truly showing their colours. Oh well, they won't be in the picture much longer and I will still be here, doing really well before I met this person and doing just as well after they are gone.

I know this all sounds really heartless and cruel, but I've been holding this in for almost a decade.

Oooops!

Found out yesterday that the other sil invited me and the mil to a girly thing, but not the sil that we all have had issue with. Yay! Now I don't have to worry about being anything other than me. Unfortunately, the mil accidentally asked the auntie who lives with the troublesome sil if she was going to the party. She says, "what party?" Ooops! Glad it wasn't me...

My Little Roo-Bear

The little boy I watch is my little Roo-Bear. He reminds me of Roo from the Winnie the Pooh books. He has several health related problems. One being that he has some brain damage that causes him to have seizures. The are not like epileptic seizures, but he goes stiff, then shakes. The seizures usually last for about 15-20 minute sessions with 5 second breaks inbetween. The doctors say that he doesn't feel anything and that they don't hurt him.

He's been having them alot more frequently over the last few weeks. I've been giving the parents updates daily so they can inform the neurologist. I truly hope that there is something that they can do for him. He's such a sweet baby boy and we've grown quite attached to him. It's been really hard these past few weeks to watch him go through this.

He also doesn't have a soft spot on his head. The doctors don't seem terribly concerned about this because they feel like his brain really isn't growing and so no pressuire is being built up. Normally, they would have cut a new soft spot on the top of the head and had the baby wear a "gladiator" type of helmet for weeks to shape the head and allow for some bone growth.

Sometimes I catch myself crying while doing the dishes because I can't stand to see him like this; it just breaks my heart. He's so little and didn't ask for this life, you know? Sometimes after the seizure is over he'll look at me as if to say, "why is this happening?" I just hold him close and give him kisses on his head. Fortunately, my son isn't jealous of Roo. He loves him just as much as the hubby & I do, so all is good on that account. I really hope and pray that the doctors will find a solution for my little Roo-Bear, so he can have a normal healthy life.

Found Out Today

Found out today that the hubby's other brother is none too happy with the one we are none too happy with, either. Hmmm, I wonder what happened to set him off? All I know is that both #2 & #3 brothers are pissed at #1 and they both know it and so do the parents. I have a feeling that phone calls will be made...

Views From a Woman Who Can't See Straight

This post was written several weeks ago on my other blog. I took it off to keep peace in my real world. I really think it needs to be published somewhere and now that I have my sanctuary, here it is.



Well, here we are about to embark on a new year. Was 2005 all it was cracked up to be? Perhaps some of it was, the rest? Who cares...

These are some of the things I learned over the course of 2005:
1. Don't give anyone your URL address.
2. If you do give anyone your URL address, make sure you are extra special nice on your blog.
3. It's easier to ignore, than to work some things out.
4. Ignoring things gives you heart problems, stage 3 cancer, ulcers, head aches, back aches and a myriad of other health and stress related issues.
5. Re-think #3.
6. Carnival Cruises are a BLAST!
7. 4 year olds turn into 5 year olds and become more interesting as time goes by.
8. The above mentioned get better behaved as well. :-)
9. They also love to ask, "Is today tomorrow?" and "What time is it?"
10. The best answer to those questions are as follows: "Today is today & tomorrow is tomorrow." and "You tell me what time it is.". :-) He's getting a watch for his birthday...
11. I have learned that opals absorb the sun and become luminous for several hours and really show their colours beautifully.
12. You really should get your eyes checked every year.
13. I can't see straight after about 2pm anymore.
14. I've learned that people who are very different can be much more alike than they've ever imagined.
15. Times change, humans don't. (In all fairness, I learned that a very long time ago...)
16. Most of the time, if you open your heart to strangers, they will hold it gently.
17. Some times if you open your heart to those who know you, they will trample it to pieces. (sometimes on purpose, sometimes not.)
18. I can count on my family. I had forgotten that.
19. The hubby and I are still head-over-heals in love with each other. :-)
20. Flickr only allows you 20 or 30 pictures a month for free. (Hence the reason, no cruise pictures or post yet. I'm cheap...)
21. Taking someones thought from their blog and using it to your own purposes is not only wrong, but just plain mean. (This is a place to vent when you can't safely say what you need to get off your chest. Give a girl a break!)


Things I would like others to know about me:
1. I will no longer be taking any crap from anyone.
2. I will continue to be polite, but I will also tell you the truth when I have been offended. (in a polite manner, of course.)
3. Contrary to popular opinion, I do NOT enjoy hurting other people. It cuts me to the core to hurt someone else.
4. I NEVER set out to harm ANYONE.
5. Just because I don't confront someone about a "trick" they may have played on me, doesn't mean that I didn't know what was going on.
6. It is not wise to underestimate me.
7. I know that the best revenge is living well. (Thanks Mom for that nugget.)
8. My capacity to forgive is great.
9. My capacity to remember is phenominal.
10. I will not get historical on you, unless we have unresolved issues.
11. I do believe that it is better to forgive and forget.
12. I struggle with the forgetting part.
13. All I want to do in this life is live in peace and harmony.
14. I can't take having DRAMA in my life. (Been there, done that.)
15. I am NOT stupid.
16. I "read" people very well.
17. I silently watch people.
18. I'm not a stalker.
19. I trust too easily.
20. My favourite thing to do is to share my heart.
21. If you let me, I can be your best ally.

If you are wondering where all this came from, don't sweat it. Those who don't wonder, will understand.

Who Does Know What Lurks...

Who indeed does know what lurks in the hearts of men? Somedays my heart is so light I feel as though I could fly. Other days it's as dark as midnight with no moon or stars to guide me. I hate having those dark days. All I want to do is lay on the couch and disappear. Somedays it would be nice to just vanish into thin air. No one remembering who I am, start over with a new identity, like anything is possible.

What would I do? Would I take this opportunity and squander it just like I have with this life? Will I take all the fears and insecurities with me? I would hope not, but I'd probably end up with several suitcases of crap tagging along for the ride.

I know that everyday is a new day; fresh like the morning sun. Then why do all of the failures of yesterday come forward as though their names were actually on the invitation list? The thing that went wrong the day before follows you just as closely as he event that happened 7 years ago; like a little chihuahua, yapping at your heels.

I wish that there was some way to delete the baggage that is always around. There are those who would say, "Give it to Jesus. He heals all wounds." My faith tells me that particular statement is true. He does heal all that we give him. But what if we are choosing to hang on to the trash? How do we let go? And, if we do let go is that the same thing as forgetting it ever happened? The forgetting is what seems impossible. You play the scenario over and over in your head until it becomes like a movie you've watched a million times and just stays on the screen, like a burned imprint.

How do you stop it? How can you make it go away? Or can you?

To just ignore the feelings because someone will be offended by them is wrong and unhealthy. They eat away at you like a cancer that devours your whole being from the marrow to your epidermis.

Then it starts all over again.

Others call it a misunderstanding, when what really happened was you told the truth that they didn't want to hear. The truth is that you could care less what they think anymore. Through the discussion and discovery, you find that they really were not the sort of person that you would have surrounded yourself with in the first place. If memory serves correctly, they sought you out and not vice versa. You just went along to be polite and to keep peace.

So, what about the peace in your head? How are you to keep that and still make nice? You can't. You have to give something up, cut it loose. You must rid yourself of the cancer. You can do it with a loud bang, so that everyone knows what happened; or you can choose to be quiet about it and no one will ever know the difference.

Is that being two-faced and hypocritical or is it just self-preservation? I suppose it depends on whose side you are on. Some might say that you are being mean and selfish. That you delight in causing others pain. Nothing could be further from the truth! You are just trying to keep from taking that fatal overdose, slicing open your wrists or crashing your car into the biggest tree you can find.

It takes much more strength and courage to live on and face your fears and failures, forging on ahead and taking the consequences of your actions with your head held in the upright position. Not high, like with defiance, but like an adult, looking the other person square in the eye and telling them, "It's okay for us not to like each other. We don't have to, we just need to move on."

Now That I Have You

Now that I have this secret place, I'm not quite sure what to do with it. Yes, it's a place to vent my true feelings, but now that I have it, I kind of feel like maybe I won't need it as much as I thought I would. Of course, the person(s) I am escaping from have yet to piss me off again, so one never knows... We have to see how things go. This is my place to vent while still getting to keep the peace. I think I'll keep it.