Who Does Know What Lurks...

Who indeed does know what lurks in the hearts of men? Somedays my heart is so light I feel as though I could fly. Other days it's as dark as midnight with no moon or stars to guide me. I hate having those dark days. All I want to do is lay on the couch and disappear. Somedays it would be nice to just vanish into thin air. No one remembering who I am, start over with a new identity, like anything is possible.

What would I do? Would I take this opportunity and squander it just like I have with this life? Will I take all the fears and insecurities with me? I would hope not, but I'd probably end up with several suitcases of crap tagging along for the ride.

I know that everyday is a new day; fresh like the morning sun. Then why do all of the failures of yesterday come forward as though their names were actually on the invitation list? The thing that went wrong the day before follows you just as closely as he event that happened 7 years ago; like a little chihuahua, yapping at your heels.

I wish that there was some way to delete the baggage that is always around. There are those who would say, "Give it to Jesus. He heals all wounds." My faith tells me that particular statement is true. He does heal all that we give him. But what if we are choosing to hang on to the trash? How do we let go? And, if we do let go is that the same thing as forgetting it ever happened? The forgetting is what seems impossible. You play the scenario over and over in your head until it becomes like a movie you've watched a million times and just stays on the screen, like a burned imprint.

How do you stop it? How can you make it go away? Or can you?

To just ignore the feelings because someone will be offended by them is wrong and unhealthy. They eat away at you like a cancer that devours your whole being from the marrow to your epidermis.

Then it starts all over again.

Others call it a misunderstanding, when what really happened was you told the truth that they didn't want to hear. The truth is that you could care less what they think anymore. Through the discussion and discovery, you find that they really were not the sort of person that you would have surrounded yourself with in the first place. If memory serves correctly, they sought you out and not vice versa. You just went along to be polite and to keep peace.

So, what about the peace in your head? How are you to keep that and still make nice? You can't. You have to give something up, cut it loose. You must rid yourself of the cancer. You can do it with a loud bang, so that everyone knows what happened; or you can choose to be quiet about it and no one will ever know the difference.

Is that being two-faced and hypocritical or is it just self-preservation? I suppose it depends on whose side you are on. Some might say that you are being mean and selfish. That you delight in causing others pain. Nothing could be further from the truth! You are just trying to keep from taking that fatal overdose, slicing open your wrists or crashing your car into the biggest tree you can find.

It takes much more strength and courage to live on and face your fears and failures, forging on ahead and taking the consequences of your actions with your head held in the upright position. Not high, like with defiance, but like an adult, looking the other person square in the eye and telling them, "It's okay for us not to like each other. We don't have to, we just need to move on."